Ready? Set! Jump To Your Death!: Who Am I pt 2

 

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Chapter II: Cliff Jumping

Misty and Ash ran through the woods as fast as their legs could carry them.

“Where could the path be?” Misty painted.

Ash couldn’t answer even if he had a answer to the question. His mouth was so dry that it hurt. He had cramps on both sides of his body. [Yikes. That is some terrible menstrual problems.] His feet were so sore it felt like the were about to bleed. It was about a hour before anyone said anything again.

Wait, they’re tired already? These kids habitually walk around the length of Japan. There is no way they could be tired after a little jog in the woods.

“I think we lost them by now, Ash.” Misty snapped at him, “We can stop running.”
Ash had to agree with her. The sun was setting and it was starting to get alot colder.

“Let’s keep walking then we should be able to find a place to camp. I’m sure Brock should have realised we were gone by now.” Ash laughed quietly. 

Oh, I wouldn’t count on that. 

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“Where could their gym be?” Brock said searching the map.

Pikachu was searching the landscape when it saw a building that looked like a circus tent.

“Pikachu, Pik, Pika, Ka, Pika, Pika, chu!” Pikachu said tugging on Brock’s pant leg. Brock was about to say “go away pikachu”, but he rembered what happened last time.

“What is it, Pikachu?” Brock asked.

Pikachu pointed to the building.

“That’s it! Aren’t you glad I found it!” Brock laughed proudly.

Just keep lying to yourself, Brock.

“Pika…” Pikachu slapping it’s face. [“Ass.”]

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Ash and Misty found a open space in the forest and made camp. Ash still had some left over matches in his backpack plus his sleeping bag. While he was taking out his sleeping bag Pikachu’s tiny little bag fell out. Ash held it for a moment then stuffed back into his backpack.

Okay. Needlessly dramatic moment is needless. You’ve been away from Pikachu for like two hours, tops.

“You miss him don’t you?” Misty sighed. She was sitting on her bag with a little baby bottle of tokapi’s in her hands. 

These two are waaaay too attached to their pokemon. I think this is good for them. No, seriously. Team Rocket did them a favor. Notice how neither Togepi or Pikachu is as torn up about being separated from their owners like Ash and Misty are. This separation can only be good for them. 

“Yea, Of course I do. I hope there are doing okay.” Ash said lighting a campfire. Sleep was impossible. They were both starving and Brock always carried the food. [That’s practical.] Ash and Misty just layed there hoping they would surive the night.

Geez. You guys are just camping in the middle of the woods, like you do like every episode. Just this time without Brock and your pokemon. You aren’t braving sub zero temperatures. The only difficulties you’ve run into this far is just being tired because you were running. Sounds like you’ll be fine. Stop being over dramatic! 

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Brock, Pikachu, and Tokapi walked into the large Structure. When they came in the were lucky that the sisters had just done their last show and were starting to close up.

“Brock it so nice to see you again!” A Pink haired girl said shaking hands with him.

“Oh yes but I need to tell you…” Brock studdered.

“Where is Misty, or that cute little boy. What is his name again?” The yellow haired girl questioned.

“Ash. I think he is Misty’s boyfriend or something.” The Black-ish-Blue haired girl said shyly. [Or something.]

Also… why do none of them deserve names? It’s the case of “Ash’s Mom” and “Brock’s Dad” again. Family members don’t get names. I guess we should count our lucky stars I didn’t name them “Misty’s older sister 1, 2 and 3”. 

“That is what I was tring to tell you! They are gone, missing disappered!” Brock yelled.

Brock acts like he needs to clarify what “gone” means despite no one asking him to.

“GONE!” The girls gasped.

“By the way, Brock, is it? Disappered is not a word! [Especially when you spell it that way.]” The yellow haired girl corrected.

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Ash woke up with a start. He thought he heard screaming. He was drenched in sweat. The screaming continued. Ash looked at Misty, she was up too. The Screaming started to get louder and closer. [Woah. This is actually pretty creepy!] Misty almost screamed herself but Ash stopped her.

By… what method? I’m left to assume it was by shushing her.
Misty: -inhales-
Ash: SHUUUUUUUUUSH! I’M TRYING TO LISTEN!
Misty: shockedbuzzplz
Ash:  buzzrapefaceplz

A new voice joined this time, “Get your claws out of her arm, Meowth!”

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Ash and Misty quietly, but quickly put out the fire and packed up their stuff. When they got everything they ran off into the deeper woods.

I don’t blame you guys. Can you take me with you? 

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After James was able to get the sleeping Meowth’s claws out of Jessie arm, he kicked Meowth in the stomach.  [Dude! Still animal abuse!] Jessie fell down tired from all the screaming she did. But she fell on a emtey box of matches. She looked into the dark woods and to her suprized saw two people running.

“Bingo.” She smiled. [“Was his name oh.”]

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“RUN!” Ash screamed [It’s like all that running we had done before was utterly pointless to the plot, ne?] at Misty once he relised that Team Rocket was following him.

“I am, I am!” Misty yelled back. [“LOOK OUT FOR CLIFFS!” “OF COURSE!” “NO, I MEAN SERIOUSLY. LOOK OUT!” “I KNOW ASH, GOD. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO FALLS OFF THEM ALL THE TIME.” “I KNOW. THAT’S WHY I WANT YOU TO LOOK OUT FOR THEM. I’M GOING OFF THE NEXT ONE WE PASS.”] Ash and Misty came to a huge down hill. [Ash: AT LAST!] “We would die if went down this!” Misty gasped.

Ash: LET’S DO IT!

“I’m willing to take that chance.” Ash said [Wait, what? Seriously?!] pulling Misty down the hill with him. [I was just kidding, Ash!] They gained more and more speed as they went down. [Also, f-k you, Ash. Maybe Misty had something left to live for! She really misses her Togepi!]

“ASH! [I F-KING HATE YOU!]” Misty screamed pointing to the cliff ahead. [Yup. Ash’s favorite thing ever.]

“Hold on!” Ash yelled. 

To what? This isn’t a roller coaster, Ash. You are committing suicide!  TEAM ROCKET’S SANDWICHES WEREN’T THAT BAD! 

“You wouldn’t?” Misty screamed, [Where have you been the last three stories?] then she looked strait into his eyes. “You would?” [She is actually only surprised that he’s willing to take her with him. What an asshole.]

Suddenly they ran right off the cliff and into the air screaming. Team Rocket didn’t dare follow.

Because SURPRISE! SURPRISE! they are actually the smart ones.

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“James go after them.” Jessie screamed.

“You! Your always the one who wants to maintain your faluous figure.” James screamed back. [Kinda hard to maintain after being crushed to death.]

“On the concrete?” Jessie shreked.

Ha. Ha! Was that a joke? Did I actually make a joke that made me laugh?

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“I don’t think any of us should go down there, if we want to come out alive.” James stated.

Jessie and James stared at Meowth. Their eyes watched him hungreyly.

“Are you think what I’m thinking.” James studded. [OH MY GOD! Seriously guys! Animal abuse!! Like I seriously need to report this to someone!]


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“Go Meowth, GO!” James and Jessie cheered.

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Meowth was in a weelbarrow, snoring as he speed into a tree. 

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Yikes.

“Ow, oh, ew!” Jessie said turning the other way.

“That has got to hurt.” James gasped.

RIP Meowth. He died as he lived. Headfirst into a tree via an out of control wheelbarrow. 

Next Time on WAI, …I really don’t know. Like, three people just died. Maybe we should take a break for a funeral. 

During which Brock whips out a thesaurus to describe all the different ways that Ash, Misty and Meowth are now dead… gone, deceased, passed away, no longer alive, asleep, buried, lifeless, departed, cold, stiff as a board, dead as a doornail, bereft of life, cadaverous, checked out, snuffed out, rubbed out, done for, erased, expired, inanimate,  inert, no more, offed, perished, pushing up daisies, resting in peace, gone to Davy Jones,  gone to meet their maker…

Speaking of which. I already told you. It’s been a week and look who’s died! 

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An accurate representation of God’s face.

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F-k Sandwiches: Who Am I Pt 1

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Chapter I: Pitfalls Work For Once

Ash woke up to smell eggs and bacon. He licked his lips and followed the smell to Brock who was cooking Breakfast. Misty, Tokapi, and Brock had already eatten.

“Pikachu breakfast!” Ash called to Pikachu.

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It’s Pika-licious!

Ash sat down on a log and gobbled down some eggs and orange juice. He gave pikachu his bacon. They both ate in a hurry, today they were going to Cerulean city to meet Misty’s sisters and see how they are doing. Misty was real nerous. She hated her snobby sisters and their poke’mon (well, mabe not their poke’mon.)

Yeah. Leave your unjust hatred for just family members please. 

“Cheer up Misty it can’t be that bad.” Ash said between eating.

“Can we please go somewhere else.” Misty said sqeezing her poke’mon (tokapi).

What is it with Brock and Misty in my stories having troubled family lives? Brock hates his father and Misty hates her sisters. And in my latest Pokemon fanfiction I make Ash hate his mom. FULL CIRCLE! 

“Misty, if squeeze Tokapi any more it’s eyes will bust. [Which would be surprisingly graphic for a kid’s show.] Besides we already told them we were coming.” Brock smiled.

“Then retell them!” Misty yelled choking Brock. [That we are coming?]

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Team Rocket was prepared this time making another stupid trap.

Even the narrator is getting fed up with the incompetence of Team Rocket.

“Keep digging! this is the only trap that actally works on these brats [aside from the ray gun and accidental cardboard box time machine which worked perfectly well but we refuse to acknowledge in this story].” Jessie yelled.

“Patch up the hole, they are coming!” Meowth yelled.

Team Rocket patched up the hole [Then what was the point of the hole? You mean covered?] and ran into the bushes. The whole group came down the path. Brock, Pikachu, and Tokapi walked right over the trap and kept going down the road.

“You made it too strong!” James hissed at Jessie.

Ash walked half way across, when he turned around. Misty was tring to go the other way. Ash grabbed her and pulled her down the path. Ash and Misty were too heavy.

The fat cows.

“AHHH!” Ash and Misty screamed as the hole apeared under them. The rest of the group was too far ahead to hear them.

Great friends, those. 

“HA, we caught them!” Meowth laughed.

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“It’s Team Rocket of course.” Ash frowned.

“Oh, please don’t say your motto. I just took a nap!” Misty yelled at them.

Oh, sick burn.aboishappyplz

“Let Misty go. You don’t want her.” Ash said angerly.

“No way! Since we didn’t catch Pikachu, She will take it’s place. [She looks just like Pikachu, after all! Will totally trick our boss.] We need your poke’mon, then we will use you two as bait to get Pikachu.” Meowth laughed.

Misty looked at Ash, expecting him to get an idea. His mind was blank. 

Oh! It’s started already! Team Rocket’s last comment has sent Ash spiraling into amnesia. 

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“Here you go.” James said handing Misty and Ash a sandwitch for lunch through the Bars of the cage. They were now in Team Rocket’s secret cabin. Misty and Ash both looked at each other. Ash droped the plate on the ground and stepped on the sandwitch and gave it back to him.

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Lolwat? I love how he just gave it back. Like, here you go! F-k you, btw.

“Well, if you don’t like my cooking you could just tell me!” James sobbed.

James is very proud of his sandwich cooking.

“I had it! You can starve if you two want.” Jessie screamed. “Just don’t come running to us when you get hungry.”

Kind of hard for them to do in a cage.

Ash sat down at the bottom of the cage, his stomach was killing him. He was so mad, that Team Rocket stole his poke’mon, that he wanted to hit something. Instead something hit him.

“Get up! We need to get out of here!” Misty screamed after slapping him on the face.

Damn Misty! You know how sensitive Ash’s brain suddenly is in a story called Who Am I? You are just adding to his impending brain injury! 

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Brock, Pikachu and Tokapi were still going down the road when Tokapi was too tired to move on. So Tokapi was expecting to have Misty pick her up, but instead she saw nothing.

“TOKAKI! TOKA!” Tokapi cried. [Togepi smash!]

“Misty will you take care of Tokapi?” Brock called without even turning around.

Tokapi stopped crying and started walking behind Brock again. Pikachu was getting thristy. Pikachu turned around expecting [his vampire thrall to realize he needed his regular intake of blood] Ash to relise Pikachu wanted a drink and give him a sip from his water bottle like always, but he didn’t see Ash.

“Pika! Pikachu!” Pikachu said tugging on Brock pant leg.

Little known fact. Brock’s full name is in fact, Brock Pantleg.

“Not now Pikachu!” Brock said opening the map.

“Pika, Pika, Pika, CHUU!” Pikachu said thunder shocking Brock.

“What is it Pikachu.” Brock muttered.

Only mildly annoyed after being electrocuted… Perhaps Brock as a rock trainer is electricity retardant?

“Pika!” Pikachu said pointing behind them.

“Hey Ash and Misty are gone come on lets go back and look for them.” Brock then disided something. “Maybe we should go to Cerulean city first. We can get help there. It’s only a mile away.” Brock said going up the road.

Yeah. Even though they are probably just down the road, whatever. Let’s keep going. They are probably fine and not kidnapped by TR. Let’s just leisurely continue on our way. It’s not like Ash is going injured somehow.

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There’s no cliffs on this road, right? Duhur!

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The fire slowly burned out.

“We ran out of fire wood. Me and Meowth will get some more. [It is extremely important that we only leave one person to guard our prisoners.] You stay here and watch them. [It makes sense, shut up.]” Jessie said throwing James the keys. Jessie and Meowth walked out of cabin door quietly.

“James, I feel like one of sandwitches now.” Misty smiled.

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She feels like a sandwich?

Ash stared at her like he could almost read her mind. [That makes one of us.] Ash smiled broadly.

“Oh, that’s great! I will be right back.” James smiled walking out of the room [What room? I thought they were camping in the woods… with a campfire]. A few minutes later he came back, “Here!” He said holding them the plate through the cage. [Apparently not though. I scrolled up and saw a brief mention of a cabin door so I guess they are in a cabin somewhere.]

“Thanks!” Misty smiled grabbing on to his wrists. She pulled him forward and made him smack his head on the bars. He fell back, knocked out cold.

False-Shepherd

Another wasted sandwich.

 

“You need to teach me that trick someday!” Ash laughed. 

Or you could just, you know, do the same thing she just did in front of you. It’s not really a martial art move. 

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Ash grabbed the keys from James pocket and opened the cage door.

“FREE!” Ash and Misty laughed. Misty and Ash both lifted James up and threw him into the cage [Apparently they have super strength now. They did that pretty effortlessly]. They locked the door and threw the keys into the fire place. Ash took a match from his backpack and took some sticks and set the keys on fire.

You know. Cause keys are super flammable.

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Misty found all their poke’balls in a box by the fire place and fled the cabin.

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“James! What are you doing? Napping on the job?” Jessie yelled waking James up.

“And you wasted a perfectly good sandwitch!” Meowth said taking a huge bite out of the sandwitch.

“Don’t eat that!!!” James and Jessie yelled. [IT IS COVERED IN TWERP FOOT GERMS!] Meowth  swallowed. [In all seriousness though, ew. Don’t eat that.] Meowth suddenly fell fast asleep.

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The hell?

“I put sleeping pills in it to make those brats fall asleep, and keep them from running away.

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They tricked me and exscaped.” James sighed.

“You Blockhead! I told you to watch them not fall asleep on the job.” Jessie screamed.

We are still on this? Unconscious and sleeping are not the same thing! 

“Sorry!” James wimpered.

“Oh lets just get you out of that cage. By the way, how many pills are in the sandwitch?” Jessie wondered.

“Enough to put Meowth asleep for  months.” James smiled.

So they just effectively put Meowth into a drug induced coma… Good. 

“Great!” Jessie said kicking meowth in the stomach. [Geez! Animal abuse!] “Well, might I as well start the fire.” Jessie said turning towards the fire place. “How did the fire start again?”

“THE KEYS!” James screamed.

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THE KEYS!!!!!!111

 

Next time on WAI (which is the perfect abbreviation for this story)…

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Ash and Misty meet up with Brock who has completely forgotten who they are. SURPRISE! It’s actually Brock who got amnesia. Off screen. When no one was paying attention. Figuring this is as a good a reason as any to dump Brock, the two seek out the next nearest comic relief to become the third wheel of their party. 

Misty’s sisters pick up subway sandwiches for dinner. Ash and Misty take one look at each other before stamping the hell out of a couple of footlongs.

Yup. There is no joke here.

Meanwhile, Jessie yells at the comatose Meowth for sleeping on the job. And James tries to figure out how to put out flaming keys despite not even quite knowing how they are on fire in the first place. 

Prepare For A Lot Of Cliffs: Who Am I?

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Disclaimers: I do not own Pokemon. If I did, Ash would grow up already!

Somewhat ironically, I cannot remember this story. I’ll be going in blind with all you guys. All I know is that Ash loses his memory and (I think) joins Team Rocket. And also, cliffs. There are a lot of cliffs and jumping off cliffs.

Honestly I believe this was my more underwhelming story ideas. It pales in comparison to the majesty that was Pewter City Labs and Back to the Future. But I hope that it will still earn a ton of laughs.

Brock Is The Biggest Asshole Ever: Pewter City Lab Pt 9

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Chapter VIIII: Everyone Survived (Somehow)

Pikachu and Bulbasaur got on Pigeotto and flew down the cliff. They searched the waters high, and low for a half an hour. Pikachu then senced something. [Seanced? Wow. Even his pokemon think God won’t send Ash back. Maybe he shouldn’t have.]  Bulbasaur told Pikachu they had already searched that part of the water and Ash couldn’t have held his breath for 30 minutes. [aboishappyplzHe can if he talks to God, derp. Also 30 minutes? God really went on and on didn’t he?] But sure enough out of the water came Ash.

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He was struggling to keep afloat. Pigeotto flew closer.

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Ash tried to stay above the water but he was too tired.

“Squirtle I choose you!” Ash said swallowing a mouthful of water. Squirtle came out of his poke’ball and lifted Ash above the surface. Ash then relised that soon squritle would be tired. [He only just got into the water! Have some faith in your pokemon, Ash! Geez, first Pidgeotto and now Squirtle.] He couldn’t pull Ash all the way. Suddenly Pigeotto flew down with Pikachu and Bulbasaur on his back.

“I have in Idea.” Ash said. [“It’s so good it deserves to be capitalized.”] Ash found a spare poke’ball and pointed it at Bulbasaur. “Bulbasaur return.” Bulbasaur did as he was told. [Well, that’s it. That was my plan. Good work, guys.] Pikachu leaped into Ash’s arms. “Pigeotto, squirtle I will need your help.” Ash called.   

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“Someone said they saw a small boy fall of cliff not far away.” Brock said to the group. [“It has to be Ash. You know how he can’t resist cliffs.”

“Ash! or it could be Jessie.” Misty pondered. [“Probably Ash. Most likely… definitely Ash.”]

“Whatever! We need to call Officer Jenny. She can help us search the lake.” Brock said staring at the endless crater filled with water.

What a strange way to describe a lake. I think Brock has a grudge against large bodies of water.

“I don’t think we have to, look!” Misty said pointing at something speeding towards them.

Needless suspenseful build-up is needless.

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Ash was rideing with pigeotto on his shoulders pushing him along, [How can Pidgeotto be pushing him? With what arms?] sqirtle pushing his feet, [What? Why? What?] pikachu in his arms sleeping soundly [Slacker!]. He was going to shore, fast. Ash felt the winds blow past him. He felt like he was surfing.

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So I know what I was trying to describe here. But it really doesn’t come across does it. Sounds he just made it more complicated with two pokemon needlessly pushing him instead of just one leading him back to shore. It’s not like this was happening in the middle of a storm. The weather is calm and Ash is like, no my water pokemon can’t possibly handle water!dontunderstandplz What?! 

On shore, Misty, Brock, and Tokapi could belive their eyes. When Ash reached the land, he returned all his Poke’mon expect, of course, Pikachu.

“Is it really you?” Misty asked.

Good think she checked before the inevitable welcome back kiss.

“Yes, the last time I cheaked.” Ash smiled.

Misty rethinks the welcome back kiss.

“Just to be sure, what do you still own me since I first met you?” Misty questioned.

“This is not the greatest time to ask for a new bike.

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I’m hungry, and look what I caught.” Ash said opening his back pack. Inside were 3 plump fish and 1 smaller one. “We just need to cook them.” Ash smiled.

The acts that followed were swift and unspeakable.

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“Yummy! That was delious, Ash.” Misty smiled liking her lips. [Did they just eat a bunch of magikarp and goldeen?]

“Brock is the one who cooked them.” Ash said taking Pikachu’s and his own plate to the sink.

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RIP.

“How did you ever ecape Team Rocket?” Brock asked. “And back into your old body?”

“It a long story.” Ash commeted. [“Let’s never speak of it again.” image]

“Well, The people at the lab gave me back the gym, and…” Brock contiuned. “I sold it!”

omgnoesplz Oh my f-king god. What?!

“What?” Ash and Misty screamed. “To Who?”

No. I’m sorry. What? What? After all that? image YOU F-KING SOLD THE GYM?

imageimageimage ASH BECAME A WOMAN FOR YOUR SAKE! 

“To a young boy who promised to make a gym out of it.imageHE HAD A WHOLE CONVERSATION WITH GOD!] He had quite a nice Charmander with him.imageHE- Wait…] I have seen him before but I forgot his name. [LOL. sparklepireplz? He’s back?]” Brock finished.

“Well, At least we don’t have to go there again.” Ash smiled.

“Pika!” Pikachu laughed.

“Tokapi!” tokapi said falling asleep in Misty’s arms.

“I wonder what happeaned to Team Rocket.” Ash pondered.

Well, that was pretty out of character. Most of the time, Ash is just like “TR? dontunderstandplzWho cares!”

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“I’m going to kill you!” Jessie screamed At James and Meowth. “We had him and Pikachu, but you let them get away!”

“Sorry Jess but we got confused and didn’t know which is which, so just on the safe side, the cage can’t be to uncomtyable.” James smiled locking the cage door.

Well, that’s an oddly dark note to end on.

THE END

EPILOGUE: Bryan did indeed get control of the Pewter City Lab and returned it to the prosperous gym it had been once again. That was until a freak Togepi explosion finally wiped the gym off the map, ten years later. However, at this point, Pikachu and him were happily honeymooning on Professor Oak’s private pokemon island. 

When James and Meowth finally let Jessie out of the cage, she in turn captures them in a cage. In her defense, she claimed not to know if they were who they said they were either. This back and forth eventually ends in Team Rocket going their separate ways in the quest to capture Pikachu. Thankfully Ash and company manages to bring them back together by blasting them off one more time into each other’s arms. 

A week later, Ash falls off another cliff. God is less than happy to see him. 

 

Special Guest Appearance From God: Pewter City Lab Pt 8

Chapter VIII: Ash Dies

Ash woke up. He expected to be back in his old body but he wasn’t. James and Meowth didn’t know that. Good thing. Jessie hadn’t woken up yet. They were waiting to throw him in the cage as soon as he opened his eyes. Ash quietly sunk past them and opened the cage and Pikachu jumped into his arms. Ash hugged Pikachu and started for the door.

“STOP!” Jessie screamed waking up.

Well, that’s unfortunate.dontunderstandplz

    “Uh oh!” Ash and Pikachu said together.

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James and Meowth quickly relised that it didn’t work. James and Meowth ran after him. Ash opened the door and shit it [Um. image] behind him. SMACK! BANG! Meowth and James both ran strait into the door.

TR seems to be defeated by doors often in my universe.

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“Do I have to do everything myself?” Jessie muttered.

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Ash and Pikachu ran as fast as they could through the woods. [Shit, there’s a cliff up ahead, isn’t there?] Suddenly Ash and Pikachu came to the dead end. A huge cliff that led down a canyon. [image And at some point, Ash is going off it.] The drop looked like it went down forever.
“Prepare for trouble!” Jessie yelled running towards them.

lol wat?

Ash suddenly had a huge headache. Jessie missed them and ran right off the cliff.

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Jessie failing; featured above.

While she was falling she fainted. Ash was so dizzy he fell down to the ground.

imageChekhov’s gun at its finest.

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Ash woke but he didn’t even look around him before he knew what was happeaning.

Either Ash has extreme cognitive response times or this drop leads to the center of the earth.

“Bulbasaur!” Ash screamed.
The Poke’mon landed on a small edge. Ash saw the ground [This is to reassure us that he’s not falling forever in a endless void.] still far away but coming closer [I think people who skydive fall faster]. Bulbasaur tried to grab Ash with his vine but Ash was just to heavy. Bulbasaur fell of the legde he was on and started pulleting [imageew what?] with Ash to the ground.
“Pigeotto!” Ash screamed. Pigeotto came out of his Poke’ball. “Pigeotto, get Bulbasaur to safety!” Ash screamed.

Wait. What? Why didn’t you just return Bulbasaur and try to use Pigeotto like a makeshift parachute? I mean, Pigeotto knows fly in the game so technically it should be able to carry Ash’s weight. ASH YOU DUMB. YOU CAN’T POKEMAN.image 

Pigeotto grabbed Bulbasaur and flew to the top of the cliff. Ash knew Pigeotto could of saved him [LOLWAT?] but he knew Bulbasaur then would have the fate he has now [imageOR HE’D BE SAFE IN HIS POKEBALL YOU BIG DUMMY!]. Underneth him was a lake but the water wouldn’t save him.

At the rate that Ash has been falling, I’m pretty sure he somehow jumped off at the top of the world. Yeah, the chances of survival are pretty slim.

image

What Ash should have done, seen here.

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Pikachu saw Ash faint (or the Ash in Jessie’s body). [Still confusing!] Pikachu ran away from Jessie just in case she woke up. When Pikachu made it in the bushes It looked off the egde again. [Sentient bushes? The hell? And they are concerned about the depth of this cliff too!] Suddenly Pigeotto appeared carring Bulbasaur. No Ash.
“Pika!” Pikachu sobbed.

He’s clearly mourning the loss of that hat.

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Ash opened his eyes. All around him was bright lights.

Oh.

“ASH!” A voice called. Ash looked around him, he seemed to be floating in the air. Uh, oh.
“Ash, so you figured it out.” the voice called.

Oh god no.

“I’m to young to be dead!” Ash yelled to the voice!
“I know, but so are alot of other people who come here.”

No. Wait. Stop. I did not just-

“But my family, friends, Poke’mon.” Ash cried.
“Don’t worry, Ash. You’re not staying here long.”
“What?” Ash called.

Am I seriously reading a fanfic I wrote where Ash has a conversation with God?! image The f–k is this?!

 

“You are very brave, Ash. You were not to die but Bulbasaur is the one that was to come.”

imageASH THIS COULD ALL HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF YOU COULD JUST POKEMAN!

“Not Bulbasaur! I’d rather stay here than have Bulbasaur die!” Ash cried. [“But returning him to his pokeball, no. No, that makes no sense. It’s not like we made those devices to make our Pokemon portable or anything.”]
“We don’t want you or your Bulbasaur yet. You courage saved a friend, and your life too. We will allow you to go.”

I would ask why God would do this for Ash and his pet dinosaur but not like any other self sacrificing hero ever, but I’m thinking the answer is imageBECAUSEBADFANFICPLOTHOLELAWLS.

“Thank you.” Ash repiled.
“No thank you. Until we meet again, Ash. Your bravery will be rembered by us.
[We in heaven will always remember the time one boy was too stupid to return his Pokemon to his pokeball and decided to fall to his death instead.]

What if God was just trolling? He sends Ash back to his crushed body just long enough for Ash to drown. Then he returns to heaven all pissed off.
Ash: Da faq was that?
God: Got ya! God don’t work like that. Next time return your Pokemon, dipshit.

image

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Ash swam to the surface of the water. he breathed in the air. Was that God?
[image WHY WAS THIS IN MY FANFIC AGAIN?] Ash thought to himself. Who ever he was he called me brave. Wait till I tell Misty. [I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.] If I tell Misty, I might be going back to that place [FIRST RULE OF HEAVEN, DON’T TALK ABOUT HEAVEN.] if I don’t think of how to get out of this lake.

NEXT TIME ON PCL, God! Body swapping! Cliffs! Talking bushes! I don’t give a shit anymore! It’s almost over!imageYaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! image

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Aiohdfjhdfoiehjbfdsjfdfdoiejfenlflndskldfnkldfnk!!!111111

Ash and Jessie Both Suck At Acting: Pewter City Lab Pt 7

Chapter VII: A Tangy Victory

Jesse/Ash fell to the ground.

Oh. He died. Guess the story is over then. 

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“Ahh! Jessie are you okay?” James and Meowth said tring to wake him up. 

It worked! Ash thought to himself.

James: Hey, Jessie didn’t faint like a girl at all! WE’VE BEEN TRICKED! :icononionnouplz: 

Ash pretaned to wake up. 

“Oh, few! We thought we lost you!” James said nerously. [“We were unbelievably happy for a second… not because we thought you were dead! It was… for some other… reason…”]

“Where am I?” Ash acted. 

“At our cabin in the woods.” Meowth answered. 

“Oh, how did I get here?” Ash asked meanly [Meanly? How can you ask meanly? Ash: TELL ME HOW I GOT HERE NOW, MAGGOTS!! PLEEEEEASE!!!] (still acting) [Because we might have thought he stopped. :roll:]

“We took you here! What was the last thing you rember?” James asked. 

Ash was afried they would ask that. Leave it to James to think it up.

There’s a simple answer to this question. But I don’t think Mr. Doesn’t-Know-Boys-and-Girls-Pass-Out-The-Same-Way is clever enough to think of it. He could just pretend he doesn’t remember anything

“Um, I rember chasing that brat,” Ash stoped.

Or you could do that. That’s fine too.

His (or was it Jessie’s?) heart started pounding.

Since you are in Jessie’s body, I’m going with Jessie’s heart.

Is that what she calls me or is it twrip?

Actually I think she calls you Twerp. Or go with Turnip. That’s closer to the spelling you were going for.

Ash screamed in his head. [Ash–> :iconheadacheplz:]

“Go on.” Meowth said breaking Ash’s thoughts.

Team Rocket is just that dumb. Well… they did fall for the pretend fainting fit.

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Ash/Jessie sat nervously on the hospital bed.

Okay, we are back to Jessie. Or Jessie inside Ash as it were… This story just makes every sentence I write seem wrong.

Doctors were all around her. She looked at her hands. No! Could it be? [These chunky trunk-bits can’t be mine! They aren’t even properly manicured!] Jessie thought. She got out of bed, the Doctor eyes followed her.

These doctors seem to have a striking resemblance to a certain collection of ponyo nurses from the future.

gake-no-ue-no-ponyo

They’re back?

She looked into the mirror. 

“AHHH!” Jessie screamed at her refettion. [Her what?Ash! Jessie fell to the ground, out cold.

Now that’s how you pass out girl style, Ash. Jessie’s a born pro. Or rather… you are. Gah! Head hurting.

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“I think we should find team twrips and get thier Pikachu!” Ash acted.

He’s a really bad actor.

He wondered if Pikachu would recoince him. But wether Pikachu did or didn’t he still had to find him. Jessie must be in his body and if that’s true. She has control of all his Poke’mon and maybe even Pikachu.

“We should also get in our Meowth Balloon and say our motto… that I can’t remember at the moment. But you start James and I will repeat after you. Man, I just love stealing pokemon. And our organization is the bomb. Yup, I’m Jessie alright. And  a girl too. With girl parts.”

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“Me and Meowth put a tracking deive in Ash’s coat.

That’s convenient. If by deive I mean device. If not then… I have no idea what they put in his coat.

We will find him quick. He is now in the hospital.” James smiled. [“Kicking kids in wheelchairs is fun!”]

“Good, I sure there is alot of Poke’mon we can steal there.” Ash studdered.

They probably keep them all in nonsensical closets.

But all Ash had in mind to steal or in his case save was his poke’mon.

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Jessie woke with hundreds of doctors all around her.

It’s the ponyo nurses’ male counterparts! Look out! They’ll eat your soul!!

She had to act like the twrip to get out of here. 

“Where am I?” Jessie asked in her most Ash like voice.

Apparently both Ash and Jessie think alike in acting like each other…

“Your in the hospital. Ash are you okay?” Misty said pushing her way through the crowd with Brock and Tokapi behind her. Pikachu leaped on Misty’s shoulder. 

“Fine but I feel funny,” Jessie acted. [“My voice hurts. How does Ash… I mean, how do I talk like this?”] In her mind she want to say: get away from me you swanny [:iconbellaplz:?] little brat, but then she would be taken to the ER for a Cat scan.

That’s a little dramatic. But Misty would certainly feel offended. I mean… being called Bella Swanny? That’s harsh.

“You acting very weird. You called yourself Jessie. And you told the doctors to Prepare for trouble while you were sleeping.” The Nurse said calmly.

Wow. Subtle.

“I don’t rember saying anything like that.” Jessie acted.

Nice save. Need to teach that one to Ash.

“You mind’s to small to rember anything.” James called behind them.

OH HO! BURN! :iconhandsomeonionplz:

“Hey!” The Ash in Jessie body said angrly, but then he regretted it.

Everyone is doing so well today. :roll:

“He wasn’t talking to you Jessie!” Meowth laughed. [“Silly girl. She’s been so mixed up since she breathed in those noxious fumes.” :icondontunderstandplz:]

“get ready to…” James started. Their was a silence. “Jessie!” James hissed. 

“I told you I not saying that stupid motto.”

:iconomgnoesplz: Le gasp! She insulted the motto! By Team Rocket laws then she must die!

The Ash in Jessie body yelled.

Why does this sound so wrong? :iconorzplz:

“Please Jessie, I can’t say it alone!” James begged. 

“Than don’t say it at all.

I guess Ash just gave up trying to pretend to be Jessie.

 It is a waste of time and it’s boreing.” The Ash in Jessie’s body snapped.

 

Jessie: :icononionnouplz: You take that back right now!!

“Ash and Jessie both are acting strange.” Brock wondered. [“What ho! My first speaking part for the past ten or so pages. Odd considering this story was supposed to be about my lab…”]

Pikachu bounced off Misty’s shoulder and into Jessie’s arms.

Brock: I DEMAND MORE SPEAKING PARTS!

“Why are you going with the bad guys, Pikachu?” Misty yelled.

Pikachu: I’m after the boobies, of course. :iconbuzzrapefaceplz:

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Pikachu leaped into Ash’s (or Jessie’s) arm. So Pikachu does know me, Ash smiled to himself.

Or he likes my new boobies. :iconshockedbuzzplz:

“Pikachu, what are you doing?” Misty asked again. 

Pikachu snugged in Ash’s (or Jessie’s) arms and refused to let go.

The boobies thing just seems more and more true, doesn’t it?

“Jessie come on! We have Pikachu.” Meowth said grabbing Ash’s (or [or this is getting old] Jessie’s) leg. Ash had had enough of acting like Jessie or tring to. [Or ultimately failing at, more like.] Ash kicked Meowth off his (or her) [sigh] leg. 

“I’m not Jessie! I’m Ash Katchem from pallet town!” Ash screamed.

Now would be a good time to give someone special a cat scan…

“You can’t be I’m Ash!” the Jessie in Ash’s body yelled. “from Palete town.”

:iconfacepalmplz:

“It’s pallet town!” Misty said to who seemed to be Ash.

Seemed not to be Ash anymore though.

“Ash would never forget the name of his home town [Unless he had severe brain trauma. Which a cat scan might help discover! and how did Jessie learn it!” Brock asked aloud. 

Well she could have looked it up on a map, honestly.

“I know this sounds crazy but I think Jessie is Ash and Ash is Jessie.” Misty said. 

“Correct!” Ash in Jessie’s body said happily.

CAT SCANS FOR EVERYONE! WHAT DO YOU SAY?

“Wrong, wrong, wrong!” Jessie in Ash’s body yelled. The Jessie in Ash’s body cam up behind the Ash in her body and threw a net over him [The hell? Where did she get a net?] and Pikachu and then a separate net over the rest of the people in the room.

Apparently she planned this… while she was unconscious on a hospital bed.

“So long suckers!” Jessie in Ash’s body said runing off with Team Rocket [This is just too weird. :iconheadacheplz:] and Ash in Jessie’s body and Pikachu in the net being dragged behind.

So wait. What happened? I don’t understand!  :iconheadacheplz: :iconheadacheplz: :iconheadacheplz:

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“Let us go!” the real Ash yelled.

No Ash in Jessie’s body anymore? Gotten kind of old hasn’t it?

“Hurry up Meowth and make that fomalu! [What? Fomalu? Was I even trying?] I want to get back into my body.” Jessie yelled. [“I sure hope no one heard me say that out loud. It could be taken so wrong…”]

James opened the cage and grabbed Ash or in his case Jessie. He forsed him into a chair and pried his mouth opened.

Whoa. Wait. Where the hell is this going? This seems to be heading in a rated R direction!

Meowth gave James and Jessie each a bottle of Blue liquid.

https://i1.wp.com/0.tqn.com/d/chemistry/1/0/S/b/bluebeaker.jpg

???

Ash stuggled but James poured it down his throt. It was a tany flavor, Ash hated it. Jessie gulped it down quickly. To her it tasted like vitory,[Victory tastes like tang.] she loved it.

Chemical abuse! Huzzah!

Ash and Jessie saw the world spin.

Next time on PCL, will Jessie and Ash regain their own bodies? Or will they die horribly after having just ingested a beaker of sodium hypochlorite. I’m voting for the latter. Oh and will the rest of the gang get out of the horrible net trap?

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Seen here. 

 Will Brock ever get a speaking line again? Remember that lab plot? Yeah. What ever happened to that? Stay tuned!

 

Ready For Things To Get Really Weird?: Pewter City Lab Pt 6

Chapter VI: Body Switched

“You broke into the lab to steal poke’mon, and the proff [Professor Oak?] is in your hands.”  Officer Jenny said stenly. [:iconstenplz:ly?]

“No, these are mine [, stupid.].” Ash replied. 

“Pika!” Pikachu agreed with him. [“Ash talks in his sleep… It’s a best friend thing.”]

“Ash!” Misty yelled running into the room. “Officer Jenny, those Poke’balls belong to me and Ash. [I know you were just talking about them because I can read minds!] We had to hide them cause Team Rocket was tring to steal them.” 

“Some of them are mine too.” Brock said walking in. “Ash saved them from Team Rocket.”

Misty: Um… actually… I hate to uh- break this to you, Brock…

Sudenly a egged-shaped poke’mon walked past the door. 

“TOKAPI!” Ash screamed. [:iconlukenoplz: NOOOOOOO!!!]

Ash ran after Tokapi down the hallway.

Leaving his friends at the mercy of the misguided Officer Jenny. :iconfinallyplz:He’s such a good friend.

 Team Rocket saw him pass.

Oh you guys are still here, are you.

“After him!” Jessie screamed. 

Ash, relizing team rocket was following him thew a bouncy ball over his shoulder. [What the hell?] Meowth stopped and ran after it. 

Up ahead a scientist [stopped what he was doing and ran after the deus ex machina ball too?] was pushing a cart of boxes [:icononisquirtplz: time machines?] Ash and Jessie [Don’t fall in!!] both bareing missed running into it. James didn’t. [And he fell into a time and space paradox. Never to be heard of again.]

Jessie finally caught Ash by the coat [Coat? Oh well I guess that jacket kind of qualifies.] and stopped him. “Now you are going to pay!” Jessie screamed lifting her fist high it the air ready to punch Ash in the face.

Well, her anger is justified here. I mean he did just help wink James out of existence.

But Tokapi, only about 3 feet away, was on a table.

Let me guess. Togepi is going to use metronome. Oh wait. Maybe he’ll jump off the table and use an actual attack on Jessie. Or maybe he’ll evolve into togetic and seriously do some damage?

It lifted a bottle filled with something [Oh.] and threw it to the ground. [Oh.] BOOM! The explosion eccoed across Pewter City. […Oh.]

Well maybe they all died? That’d be a nice change of pace. But wait… no. I see there’s another page here. Yay…?

Officer Jenny heard the sound and ran to the noise with everyone falling behind her.

Jenny: Well clearly this is all Ash’s fault.

Suddenly a egg-shaped poke’mon flew [flew?] past Officer Jenny and right into Misty’s arms.

So… the explosion propelled Togepi… forward… or was it backwards… instead of up… but how is it in one piece? and… aw forget it.

“TOKAPI!” Misty said happily hugging her Poke’mon. 

“You kids get out of here. I’ll find Ash.” Officer Jenny said runing towards the smoke. 

I’m assuming she cocks her gun after saying this.

“What a Women!” Brock drooled.

Apparently Jenny just multiplied herself before running in. They can do that you know. Joys too.

Jenny saw the smoke ahead. The smoke was a strange color of Blueish-purple.

Are there Ashachus in this smoke cloud? Please say no.

She took out a hanchif [Yeah… I dunno.] to cover her mouth and nose. The smoke stung her eyes but was easy to see through:

If it stung her eyes it wouldn’t be that easy to see through…

She saw Ash laying on the ground not far away,

Oh good. He’s just dead. Whew. Was worried there for a second.

beside him was Jessie. She didn’t have time to save both of them. She grabbed Ash and fled out of the smoke.

And… she just left Jessie there. No time to go back for her huh? She’s such a good police officer.

“James, I found her!” Meowth yelled to James. They were in Suba diver’s suits.

Where did those… you know what? I don’t care anymore. Deus ex machina just breeds in these old fanfics.

Meowth and James picked Jessie up and carried her out of the smoke.

And wouldn’t scuba suits be completely useless? Unless they actually were lugging around airtanks… God, my lack of logic astounds me.

After they got Ash to a hospital, Officer Jenny, Misty, Tokapi, Pikachu, and Brock waited in the waiting room, 

When the doctor came out, he was smiling.

He takes pleasure in sick patients apparently.

“Ash Katchem,” He called. They all crowed around him. “will be fine. He just needs to stay overnight in the morning.” [The morning overnight… Whatever. He needs to stay. I LOVE HIM OKAY?]

“Can we see him?” Misty asked. 

“Sure and you can sleep overnight at the hotel next door.” The doctor replied. […out of the way.]

“Well, the work is done. Bye.” Jenny said walking out of the waiting room.

She’s got more innocent people to persecute elsewhere.

Ash was sleeping soundly when Misty, Tokapi, Brock, and Pikachu walked in. Pikachu bounced upon the bed. Pikachu sniffed at Ash and suddenly sparks flew from his cheeks.

“IMPOSTER. HE WEARS NO HAT!!”

“NOO! Pikachu what are you doing?” Brock said picking Pikachu up, away from Ash.

“Pika Pikachu Pikachu!” Pikachu said. [“THE LACK OF HAT COMPELS ME TO KILL!”] 

“What?” Brock asked. 

“Pikachu said, “That isn’t Ash”.” Misty translated.

I still don’t know how the water pokemon trainer can speak pikachu.

Brock stared at her. [Apparently Brock doesn’t either.] “Ash taught me.”  [LIES!] Misty smiled. [“He talks in his sleep…. It’s a best friend thing.”]

“Pikachu what are you talking about. Of couse that is Ash!” Brock laughed.

Sadly I suspect that Pikachu is right… as much as I hate to believe my story went in that direction. I suppose it was only a matter of time though. Just wait, the next story is about amnesia. Just as any budding fanfiction series should be.

The Next day Jessie woke up quickly, but she wasn’t quite herself. 

“AHH! Team Rocket!” Ash screamed.

Wait what? Where’d he come from?

Meowth and James gave her a akward look.

Oh wait. Ash is Jessie… I foresee this getting confusing.

“What do you want with me?” Ash yelled. 

“Are you okay?” Meowth said feeling her forehead. 

“I’m fine, where did you take Pikachu?” Ash said angerily.

Not even phased by Meowth stroking her/his/its forehead? How does that even work anyway?

“We haven’t caught him yet. rember that boy, Ash keeps getting in the way.” James said starting to get worried.

Only starting?

“I’M ASH!” Ash screamed. 

:iconclapplz: Way to go, Ash.

“No, your Jessie, me Meowth, he James.” Meowth said worring alot too. [“He Tarzan. She Jane. Ignore them though. They aren’t important.”]

 

Ash woke up [Or is this Jessie?], but he wasn’t quite himself. [Wow. Same transition.] He looked around the hospital room. He saw pikachu sleeping soundly in a sleeping bag not far away. Ash slowly tip toed up to Pikachu, and right before he grabbed Pikachu, Pikachu woke up. 

Pika, Pika, Pika, PIKA, PIKACHU!” Pikachu said thundershocking Ash. 

“AHHH!” Jessie screamed. 

Officer Jenny pops her head in the room. Jenny: “Well, this is certainly all your fault. BTW you are all horrible pokemon thieves. I’m going to go arrest the hospital receptionist for no good reason now. Kthxbai!”

 

“How can I be Jessie unless… Ahh! I’m in a girl’s body

Any other adolescent boy would have been thrilled by this predicament.

and not any girl’s body, I’m in JESSIE’S! [It could be worse. What if it were Misty?] Well, it could be worse. I could be in [Brock’s?] in Misty’s body. [Haha. Predicted it.]” Ash thought aloud. [“At least Jessie has a nice rack.” :iconaboishappyplz:]

“A… are you sure you don’t want to see a doctor?” Meowth asked.

I don’t think she/he/it should really have a choice at this point.

“Of course not.” Ash said angerly. [“Believe me, god dammit! I’m not going to even try to play this careful!”]

 

“What happeaned!” one of the nurses said running. 

Ash hid under the covers and pretaned that he was sleeping.

Kinda hard to do that after just getting fried by Pikachu…

“Ash, are okay?” The Nurse asked. 

Ash lifted the cover off him and looked around the room. [“What? I think you’re missing a word there.”] “Me?” She asked. [Ash is suddenly female!] “Are you talking to me?” 

“Of couse, anyone else in this room named Ash?” The Nurse asked.

You don’t know. There might be!

“My name isn’t Ash. It’s Jessie. My name is Jessie.” Jessie said.

Wow. I thought at least Jessie would play it safe. I guess my characters are just blunt and stupid… and for some reason I’m surprised by this.

 

Ash was confused.

Are we going to keep switching between these reveal scenes? They are getting pretty old…

The Jessie body with Ash in was confused or Jessie/Ash.

Sorry past self. That doesn’t really help with the confusion.

Jessie/Ash didn’t know what to do, then he got a idea: How about, I act like Jessie to trick Team Rocket.

Wow. Little late for that. You already gave yourself away.

At least they will stop asking if I’m okay. First things first, I need to pretane to faint so they will think I got my memory back.

Oh come on. That won’t work… oh wait. Forgot. Crappy fanfic. Alright go ahead.

How do girls faint? […The same as guys? Just a guess.] Jessie/Ash pondered.

“Are you okay?” The Nurse asked. 

“fine!” Ash/Jessie [Yeah… this whole Ash/Jessie and Jessie/Ash is really not working.] snapped. 

“You don’t seem right.” The Woman said [You sound like you’ve been body swapped.] putting her hand on her head.

Wait on her own head? What does that accomplish?

“Get your disgusting hand off my make-up!” [] Ash/Jessie yelled.

Well, that’s something that Ash can never unsay.

“Make-up!” The Nurse laughed. [“With that face you’re clearly not wearing any!]

“What?” Ash/Jessie yelled. 

“Who ever heard of a boy who wears make-up and has a name like Jessie!” The Nurse laughed.

Actually, Jessie can easily be a boy’s name. And actors wear make-up all the time… Ignorant twat.

“I’m a girl! Aren’t I?” Ash/Jessie asked.

It’s probably not a good sign if you have to ask.

NEXT TIME ON PCL, Officer Jenny finds out that the smoke did affect her. But seeing as she was body swapped into another Officer Jenny’s body it took her weeks to notice. And when she did notice, she quickly gave up trying to convince anyone of it. “I’M JENNY! JENNY FROM SAFFRON. Oh f-ck it.” In the meantime Jessie/Ash and Ash/Jessie continue to confuse the hell out of my readers. They both try unsuccessfully to blend in with their new bodies. Jessie can’t resist the impulse to steal Pikachu. And… Ash enjoys being Jessie a little too much. Wow… I just felt dirty writing that. Oh and Brock gets his gym back. But at what cost?